Otters Ergo challenge - feel the burn

"Cogito ergo sum," wrote Rene Descartes in one of his more winsome moments. And how right he was, although he would perhaps have struck more of a chord with the good burghers of Chertsey if he'd broadened his appeal and declared: "Cogito ergo Lutra lutra*" - I think, therefore I am an Otter.

Happily, after much thought, the thorny issue of the next Otter challenge has been solved by some of the finest minds Big Gay Al and Phil the Pilot had to offer. We're going to have a 10km Ergo challenge (a-ha - now you understand all the Latin bollocks at the beginning - forgive me, I haven't been well).

[You can skip this next bit if you just want to know what the hell the Ergo challenge is about and don't want all my pontificating before you get there]

For those of you wondering what an Ergo is, it's one of those fancy rowing machines with the fan on one end (see picture). It all started with Phil, perhaps rashly assuming that Al was a big lardy sparky with the aerobic capacity of a dormouse, challenging Al to some form of water-themed competitive challenge that didn't involve cabin boys and locked brigs. Al, being a seasoned matelot and therefore of the senior part of the Senior Service to the namby pamby Fleet Air Arm (late employers of the aforementioned Phil), looked his loafing winged nemesis square in the eye and recalled the immortal words of the late Humphrey Bogart: "Come on then you big girly wuss-wuss, let's make it interesting", which as anyone who knows Al even slightly can confirm, invariably involves enough booze to kill a horse, three jockeys and the stable cat. Phil rose to his full stature of quite-a-bit-shorter-than-Al and, artistically smoothing his eyebrows, suggested each party bring a bottle of champagne and race over 10km on the Ergo, winner-takes-all. Al, correctly assuming that Phil had the measure of the wrong man (namely one portlier, considerably more asthmatic and actually capable of feeling pain) gladly took up the gauntlet and went off to knock out Phil the Pelican's teeth. No sooner had news of the glamorous wager broken than every man-jack in the room wanted a slice of the action.

[Resume reading now]

Here's the format.

Time, date, location: TBC
Distance: 10km
Apparatus: Ergo Concept 2
Entry: Back yourself. If you think you're going to win, bring champagne. If not, bring something in keeping with your anticipated placing. All entry beverages must be alcoholic, minimum 7.5% volume. There will be a men's competition and a women's competition.

Call for entries to follow.

* The keener eyed among you will of course have noticed Descartes could not have been aware of Linnaen taxonomy and binomial nomenclature, having predeceased the publication of the Systema Naturae by 85 years. Interestingly, the European river otter didn't receive it's Latin designation until the mid-19th century, so Linnaeus wouldn't have known what it was either.