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The Chertsey Otters successfully defended their dragon boating title at the Oakley Court Regatta on Sunday by an improbable eight one-hundredths of a second from the Flying Dragons, in a final that was tighter than a very very fat man in a lady's wetsuit who is stuck in a plastic garden chair in the back of a Mini (and not a Clubman either) that's gridlocked on the M25 during a heatwave. The Great Danes, runners-up in 2008, came third.
The Even More Beautiful Otters, crewed mainly by first or second time dragon boaters, lost out on a semi-final place by less than a second, despite having a very natty uniform and a large contingent of Dutch people who are presumably well accustomed to being that close to the water and should therefore know exactly what to do about it. Nonetheless, it was a magnificent effort.
The Otters set a blistering pace in the heats, recording the fastest time of the day in race three and apparently provoking grumbles about 'semi-professionals spoiling the event for everyone else'. Semi-professional what, we never found out. And in any case, who needs a boatload of ringers when you have a crew of steely-eyed, misbegotten feckers the like of which we put on the water that day?
Not us. Staying true to the Otters' motto of 'just turn up and win', we took the semi-final by just over a dragon's nose-length, despite being rammed by one of the other crews, and fought off a spirited charge by our rivals in the final to take the tape by slightly less than the extra coat of varnish at the tip of the aforementioned megareptilian's appendage. Hurrah.
Well done to all who participated and many thanks to the cohort of Otters supporters (especially the minis!) who turned out to lend their very vocal support on the day. And last but not least, thanks also to Kayte who organised a hugely enjoyable day, thrashed that drum to within an inch of its life and made a very, very rash but very, very excellent promise in the huddle before the final race.
Same time next year? Three's the charm!
Link: Kate Smyth's Facebook Gallery
Link: Dragons Alive! website
GO THE OTTERS!!!
Chertsey Otters Crew: Kayte 'I'll Do Anything, For You Dear Anything' Cable, Max 'Bear Fighter' Woodward, Debbie 'Pocket Rocket' Hall, Mark 'Human Volcano' Hall, Karen 'Touche' Smith, Mark 'Silent Assassin' Smith, Al 'Big Gay' Davis, Richard 'Ballast' Cable, Sean 'Thrust and' Parry, Steve 'Big Gay Hairy Bear' Kearns, Rachel 'Dee 57 in tha Big Broother House' Geordielass, Ulrich 'Island Monkey' Kleinsteuber, Chris 'Full Monty' Greenwood.
EMB Otters Crew: Nicole 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' Ter Horst, Emma 'Tub Thumper' Willingale, Frans Sinterklaas, Nan Sinterklaas, Marco 'Isotonic Heineken' De Haan, Jane 'I can bench more than my brother' Cable, Philip 'She can bench me' Wardle, Richard, Stefan, Sian, Rachel, Toby, Clare, David and Tracy (sorry - ran out of steam on the monickers!).
As many of you will know, Patrick Martin bravely took the Otters into new fields of endeavour (quite literally) on Bank Holiday Monday by entering his hand-built tractor in the Novice class of the Chertsey Ploughing Match, held at Wey Manor Farm.It's a trickier business than it looks and it's fair to say that the dryness of the tilth didn't help Tractor Pat pull a sweet furrow this year. (I have no idea what that means, but, yes, it probably is as dirty as it sounds.) Patrick did well, but struggled with his dismount and paid the price when it came to the judging (see picture). Despite an heroic first effort at the wheel, he lost out to competitors who were half his age but about 50 times more experienced.
"I knew I was in trouble when the judge came by and asked me when the shelling had stopped," said Patrick, who was ably aided and abetted by the improbably named Steve Spong (he of the Lightwater Spongs) who will take the helm at the tractor's next outing this weekend.
Patrick would like to thank the surprisingly large numbers of Otters who came out to cheer him on and who simultaneously discovered that, yes, ploughing matches really are as surreal as they sound.
The Sean Parry Classic pub golf went off without a hitch on Saturday. All players finished the course, including the stag himself. Who exactly won and what the final scores were are lost in the mists of time, but we are reliably informed that a good time was had by all.
