The Sean Parry Classic - first Otters stag a triumph of depravity

The Sean Parry Classic pub golf went off without a hitch on Saturday. All players finished the course, including the stag himself. Who exactly won and what the final scores were are lost in the mists of time, but we are reliably informed that a good time was had by all.

Flickr stream of the stag (or at least the beginning and end of it): http://www.flickr.com/photos/37893203@N08/sets/72157622240825255/detail/
Ben's Mobile Me gallery: http://gallery.me.com/bengilbey#100163
And the Google Map of the route, including course description, challenges and forfeits: http://maps.google.com/maps/ms?ie=UTF&msa=0&msid=118059758419923264928.000472593f56a21d86d9a

Otters successfully defend Marlow in heroic final push - photo finish hands it to the Chertsey crew

The Chertsey Otters successfully defended their dragon boating title at the Oakley Court Regatta on Sunday by an improbable eight one-hundredths of a second from the Flying Dragons, in a final that was tighter than a very very fat man in a lady's wetsuit who is stuck in a plastic garden chair in the back of a Mini (and not a Clubman either) that's gridlocked on the M25 during a heatwave. The Great Danes, runners-up in 2008, came third.

The Even More Beautiful Otters, crewed mainly by first or second time dragon boaters, lost out on a semi-final place by less than a second, despite having a very natty uniform and a large contingent of Dutch people who are presumably well accustomed to being that close to the water and should therefore know exactly what to do about it. Nonetheless, it was a magnificent effort.



The Otters set a blistering pace in the heats, recording the fastest time of the day in race three and apparently provoking grumbles about 'semi-professionals spoiling the event for everyone else'. Semi-professional what, we never found out. And in any case, who needs a boatload of ringers when you have a crew of steely-eyed, misbegotten feckers the like of which we put on the water that day?

Not us. Staying true to the Otters' motto of 'just turn up and win', we took the semi-final by just over a dragon's nose-length, despite being rammed by one of the other crews, and fought off a spirited charge by our rivals in the final to take the tape by slightly less than the extra coat of varnish at the tip of the aforementioned megareptilian's appendage. Hurrah.

Well done to all who participated and many thanks to the cohort of Otters supporters (especially the minis!) who turned out to lend their very vocal support on the day. And last but not least, thanks also to Kayte who organised a hugely enjoyable day, thrashed that drum to within an inch of its life and made a very, very rash but very, very excellent promise in the huddle before the final race.

Same time next year? Three's the charm!

Link: Kate Smyth's Facebook Gallery
Link: Dragons Alive! website

GO THE OTTERS!!!

Chertsey Otters Crew: Kayte 'I'll Do Anything, For You Dear Anything' Cable, Max 'Bear Fighter' Woodward, Debbie 'Pocket Rocket' Hall, Mark 'Human Volcano' Hall, Karen 'Touche' Smith, Mark 'Silent Assassin' Smith, Al 'Big Gay' Davis, Richard 'Ballast' Cable, Sean 'Thrust and' Parry, Steve 'Big Gay Hairy Bear' Kearns, Rachel 'Dee 57 in tha Big Broother House' Geordielass, Ulrich 'Island Monkey' Kleinsteuber, Chris 'Full Monty' Greenwood.

EMB Otters Crew: Nicole 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' Ter Horst, Emma 'Tub Thumper' Willingale, Frans Sinterklaas, Nan Sinterklaas, Marco 'Isotonic Heineken' De Haan, Jane 'I can bench more than my brother' Cable, Philip 'She can bench me' Wardle, Richard, Stefan, Sian, Rachel, Toby, Clare, David and Tracy (sorry - ran out of steam on the monickers!).

Chertsey Ploughing Match - results just in!!!

As many of you will know, Patrick Martin bravely took the Otters into new fields of endeavour (quite literally) on Bank Holiday Monday by entering his hand-built tractor in the Novice class of the Chertsey Ploughing Match, held at Wey Manor Farm.

It's a trickier business than it looks and it's fair to say that the dryness of the tilth didn't help Tractor Pat pull a sweet furrow this year. (I have no idea what that means, but, yes, it probably is as dirty as it sounds.) Patrick did well, but struggled with his dismount and paid the price when it came to the judging (see picture). Despite an heroic first effort at the wheel, he lost out to competitors who were half his age but about 50 times more experienced.


"I knew I was in trouble when the judge came by and asked me when the shelling had stopped," said Patrick, who was ably aided and abetted by the improbably named Steve Spong (he of the Lightwater Spongs) who will take the helm at the tractor's next outing this weekend.

Patrick would like to thank the surprisingly large numbers of Otters who came out to cheer him on and who simultaneously discovered that, yes, ploughing matches really are as surreal as they sound.

Dragon Boats - Oakley Court, Windsor, 6 Sept. I love the smell of Otter in the morning...

Autumn nears and the scent of harvest is in the air. Mellow fruitfulness hangs heavy over the land as summer enjoys its last hurrahs. But before we all pack up the lawn chairs and baton down the hatches for the grim onslaught of winter, there's glory to be had, and it's Otter-shaped.

So stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood and man the dragon boats once more. This time it's personal. In the face of gratuitous taunting, generally bad hangovers and questionable levels of aerobic fitness, the Otters triumphed here in 2008, and there'll be blood (or at least beer) in the Thames before we surrender that title again. Prepare, gentle burghers of Berkshire, to have your idyllic Sunday rudely violated by that most time-honoured war cry: 'Go the Otters!' Just turn up and win.

Saturday 6 September. Race briefings from 0800. First race at 0930. Two berths still available. Email Richard or Kayte to grab them. Unspeakably overexcited already? You don't know the half of it.

Cry havoc and let lose the Otters of war. Oakley Court shall not fall again!

Chertsey Ploughing Match, Monday 31 August - support Patrick the Otter

Patrick Martin (see photo) will be entering his own hand-built tractor in the Chertsey Ploughing Match this Bank Holiday Monday at Wey Manor Farm, Wey Manor Road, New Haw, Addlestone (KT15 3JR).

In a brilliantly lunatic undertaking of his own devising, Patrick scoured the country for hopelessly knackered and decrepit vintage tractors, which he then converted into a single functioning model by a time-honoured method of black magic, swearing and spanners. Miraculously, Patrick is still happily married and holding down 15 different jobs.




Now you may be thinking that watching a bunch of blokes, well, ploughing, using everything from heavy horses to modern behemoths, is not your ideal way of spending a bank holiday, or even a bit of one. But consider this:

a) Patrick is a Chertsey Otter and all Chertsey Otters should enjoy large quantities of vocal support in any competitive endeavour they undertake, especially one that's involved as much hard work as this one has to pull together.
b) Patrick has already blown up one tractor and might well do it again.
c) There will be a beer tent.


To sample the bucolic bliss of a day out watching men in smocks carving perfect furrows in the fecund earth, check out the video below:

STOP PRESS: Otters sweep Chertsey Show!!!

OK, so 'sweep' might be overstating it a touch, but the Otters made a pretty impressive impact in their first year of Chertsey Show activity. The awards we know about so far are listed below, but please please let me know if I've missed you out. Irrespective of the medals and glory your entries may have achieved, huge thanks to everyone who took the time and made the effort. It's the taking part that counts, after all.

Otter placings

1st place - Portrait drawing, any medium - Candice Mallins
1st place - Victoria sandwich - Lucy Martin
1st place and Judge's Choice - Anything to do with the countryside (oil) - Richard Cable
1st place - School display of any plants - Lyne and Longcross School/Kayte Cable
1st place - Photographic portfolio of your school garden - Lyne and Longcross School/Kayte Cable
1st place - 2 Cornish pasties - Ann Kleinsteuber
1st place - Carnivorous plant - Jaego Cable
1st place - Scarecrow made of recycling - The Kleinsteubers
1st place - 3 cheese straws - Molly Hazledine
1st place - A drawing of anything in the garden - Genevive Hazledine
1st place - Best tidbit catcher - Boz Cable
1st place - Food from around the world - Kayte Cable

***

2nd place - Draw a picture of yourself - Jaego Cable
2nd place - Photo portrait: black and white - Brian Cable
2nd place - Fastest dog over the jumps (1st in heat) - Bruce Coope

***

3rd place - Take a photograph of your friend - Tom Martin
3rd place - Butterflies, bugs and bees: close-up photo - Brian Cable
3rd place - Bottle of homebrew beer - Steve Dobson
3rd place - Most handsome dog - Bruce Coope
3rd place - Young gardener - Jaego and Jessame Cable

***

4th place - Vegetable monster - Jaego Cable
Special commendation - Vegetable monster - Maia and Neha Zadef, Jessame Cable and Kalsang Tsering
Highly commended - Draw a picture of yourself - Jessame Cable

***

We also had entries in homemade wine, soft fruit jam, cottage loaf, 3 fruit scones, photography, heaviest marrow, chutney, cake decorating, liqueur and a bunch of others.

Fantastic.

GO THE OTTERS!!!

URGENT!!! Entry forms for Chertsey Show must be in NOW!

Quick one. V excited about the level of excellence and/or enthusiasm already exhibited by the Otters in the cause of sweeping the Chertsey Show. Full schedule, entry details and all that jazz in the show schedule, available if you follow the VIEW SCHEDULE link from the Chertsey Show website.

Here's a reminder that if you've drawn a FLORAL class (as I did) your entry form has to be in by Tuesday 4 August.

If you've drawn any other class (Domestic, Craft, Horticultural etc) then your entry form has to be in by Thursday 6 August.

As far as I'm aware, only the entry form needs to be in. The thing itself can be presented either on Friday afternoon or first thing on the Day of Judgement (which is Sat 8 August in most cases - please check the schedule for precise details.)

Dogs can be entered in Companion Dog classes on the day. If you're going to be a ponce and enter your dog in the official dog show, you're not an Otter.

If you're not going to be around for the weekend itself, as long as you've sorted out the entry form, I'll be happy to make sure your stuff gets in front of the judges at the appointed hour.

Go the Otters!